Cote d’Azur: a place where Passion, Devotion and Beauty all unconditionally gather together for love and adventure for they are Aquarius. The compassion they show are of no comparison. They are the heart that once made a man.
The 14th November seemed to hold as much promise of ecstasy as the previous day did but I was risen abruptly by father, he woken me zealously with great force. The floor shook. From my 2nd floor bedroom in my petite little blue cottage I felt the rumble. In a rush, my heart beat matched the rhythms of the thud as my heart began to explode emotions around my body however I was still staunch. Father had swept me of my feet in a last-ditch effort to sway me downstairs and when I had landed I was hustled under the living room table. My father followed but strenuously pushed me to the corner in which the floor was confronted by the wall.
I could feel him now, crushing my ribs with his ape-like hands. I know he is trying to protect me but it hurts. I could almost taste the fear drenching my father’s forehead as it tried to escape him but it was to no avail as his arms tighten around my lower abdomen just as I felt my gut expanding. The sudden yank caused my brain to drift to a delusional state and the confrontation that floor and wall had turn into a brawl for territory, their truce broken. Fortunately as my queasiness arose the bombing became sympathetic and inconsistent, my father’s grip: unlatched. It’s over.
But now it’s night, and I stay still on my swing looking out into a town of silence and deviation. The cheers of last night perish along with the lights. A population of 40,000 turned into a single set of eyes. But I feel a second pair glance behind me. I know the pair belong to my father but I’m shaking. I’m too afraid to turnaround. Only the cool breeze from my father’s fields can comfort me, engulf me, protect me now when I need it most. But we both knew that with all our might we couldn’t stop father, his strength; untouchable. My words too weak compared to his voice. Our durability pointless compared to his power. But this is man I do not recognize. His faded brown hair still remained plumed square face. His pointy ears and clean-shaven chin seemed to keep his youth whilst his baby blue eyes in which I saw myself in, went cold. His towering physique seemed so affectionate. His physical stature remained yet something was missing. What has war done to my father? He was no longer a man but a beast.
November 1, 2015 at 12:01 pm
There are some nice ideas here – I like the father trying to protect the sun amidst chaos that is constantly unfolding but there are some crucial issues with your language that suggest you might not have proof-read this before submitting.
Aquarius can be such a difficult term because it can be so abstract. If I were to say ‘I am aquarius’ – it would depend on the context as to how my intended meaning might be defined. On the surface, it might mean, ‘My star sign is aquarius’; it may also mean ‘I believe I have the qualities of somebody who is typically defined as aquarius, I am a water giver’. More than this, it might be that I am using aquarius as an abstract and am attempting to create a metaphor. If I apply this to a third person – ‘they are aquarius’ – this becomes more ambiguous – but if I then apply this to a place or abstracts such as passion and devotion, this would depend on an understood meaning of what aquarius means. Hence, I find your first paragraph unclear and confusing.
‘I was arisen abruptly by father, he woken me with great force zealously.’ This is quite a strange sentence, that takes quite some skill to break down and interpret. Look at the first clause:
[I was] = past continuous
[arisen] = past perfect; future perfect; or present perfect
Here, you are using the passive voice – something has happened to you, rather you having agency. What is more, this form of verb is commonly not used in this way – try re-writing this in the active voice, or choose another verb.
Now look at the second clause: you have changed the verb, expanding it to create the verb phrase ‘ with great force’ and then you have gone further with ‘zealously’ as an adverb. Ultimately, you need to tone this down and write naturally.
Please re-read this and focus on each paragraph – what are you trying to show us and how does it help to tell your story? Check you tenses and your basic grammar (using capital I when referring t your self, for instance).